Last year I proclaimed that I would get married this year and..
Now, when I spoke marriage into existence I thought that God would send a man of God for me to marry, but instead I married God. I will say that this marriage is not what I expected, but so much more than I expected. It is exceedingly, abundantly and above all that I could ever think, dream or imagine.
On February 16, 2019, I married ministry. I was ordained as a Pastor at the Loving Church in Harvest, AL. The ceremony was so sacred. It will be a moment in my life that I will never forget. It will also be an altar that I can refer back to when the struggle gets real.
In my blog, “I Am NOT Serving My Husband,” I gave a glimpse into my childhood by briefly describing the small, country, church where I grew up. I may have been raised in church, but I never “got saved” in church.
Church was the place where my inquisitive mind was birthed. It was also the place where my inquisitive mind was aborted.
My questions were not allowed. My intelligence was not accepted. Because my brain was not welcome, I felt as though none of me could dwell in the house of the Lord. Mentally, I left. Physically, the church left me. The small, country church split in half. One family went in one direction, leaving the rest of the congregation like sheep without a shepherd. However, I’d consciously checked out of the church before the separation. I was already in search of a shepherd and I met Him in my room one evening while my mom was at a 3:00 program and my dad was gone on his Sunday drive. I was left home alone, where I met a Savior who promised to never leave or forsake me. He kept His end of the deal, but I did not. I stayed with Him for a while, but sin was so much more appealing. I chose sin over salvation 100 times over. Salvation wasn’t appealing at all, actually. It was stale. It was boring. It was slightly condemning. Salvation didn't feel like it was enough to save me.
I wanted to be chosen. I felt like I’d chosen God while I was in that room that day, but I didn’t particularly feel like He chose me. I felt like my salvation sold me. Once I chose Jesus, my life fell apart and seemingly, it felt as if sin stitched me back together.
If I was sad, sin comforted me.
If I was mad, sin calmed me.
If I was lost, sin found me.
If I was running, sin chased me.
Sin pursued me and in return, I surrendered to sin as my savior.
Knowing that you’re called and believing in your calling are two completely different things. While sin and I rendezvoused, something inside of me knew that my dance with sin would eventually tire me out. I knew I didn’t have the stamina to keep up with the demands that sin constantly threw at me. Subconsciously, I knew that sin was fickle and would ultimately lead me to death, but I could not tear myself away from the satisfaction that sin provided.
Salvation stood in the waiting. Patiently. Softly. Stealthy. At times, salvation would sneak out and sweetly call me. Instead, I would answer to the sin that yelled my name. Salvation held down a seat in the waiting room—sitting still as sin rushed in and out; violently, loudly and undeniably destroying me.
Sin took its toll on me mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Sin wore me slap out!
Something inside of me wanted to tear myself away from sin and embrace the only consistent thing in my life – salvation. Sin came in and out leaving behind residue, pain and remnants of my soul. I thought that I had to cut my ties with sin in order for salvation to take its place. But I was wrong. I didn’t have to cut sin out of my life, I had to allow salvation to be the salve. Salvation desired to heal what sin had destroyed. Salvation chose me. Even when I ran. Even when I rejected it. Salvation stood still. Salvation stood strong. Salvation did what it does. It saved me.
17 years later, I chose Jesus again. Fully knowing that I am here to serve Him instead of Him serving me. 17 years later, I am yoked to ministry. Committed to serving humanity. Focused on fulfilling my role in furthering the Kingdom of God in my own, special, Millennial way. I’s married now to the One who has never stopped and will never stop choosing me.